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Margo WR Steiner
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This op-ed appeared in The Salem News on August 3, 2016
Colleen Armstrong is coordinator of the PEAR (prevention education advocacy and response) program at Salem State University, an initiative funded by a grant from the Department of Justice to provide resources for and education about campus sexual assault.
As back-to-school season ramps up, many families are experiencing a change in their familiar late summer routine. Some, instead of buying lunch boxes and colored pencils this year, are shopping for extra-long twin bedding and textbooks. Having a child transition from high school to college marks a change, and for parents and guardians of college-bound students, it can feel like the last chance to share lessons with their student.
Whether they are headed across town or across the country, lots of important conversations are taking place: that late-night pizza isn’t a reason to use your emergency credit card; how often your student is expected to come home; and expectations about grades. One topic that often gets left out—but is probably the most important conversation of all—is the one about healthy relationships and consent. Although both sides likely share apprehensions about approaching this very personal arena, it is a conversation that must be had. As the adult, you may feel uncomfortable, out of your depth and unheard. As the student, you may either feel equally uncomfortable or supremely confident that you know everything you need to know.
For both parties, there are several effective strategies for opening the door to this critically important conversation.
Remember your own experiences
As the parent of a child leaving for college: What were you going through at that time in your life? What questions did you have? What answers did you want? While the world looks different today, the chances are that the young people in your life have the same questions, thoughts and fears. Consider grounding the conversation in those shared emotions.
Reflect on your own values
People have different views of what relationships should look like and what should or shouldn’t happen within those relationships. Why do you feel the way you do about relationships? Is it based on your experience? Your family? Your faith? Your culture? Share the “why” of your values with your child and ask him or her to reflect on his/her own. Their answers will provide a wonderful starting point for your conversation.
Find allies
With whom does your young person connect? Are they close to an aunt or an uncle? Do they spend a lot of time with an older sibling or cousin? Are there family friends with whom they spend a lot of time? Enlist these people in the conversation. The more connections a young person has, the better.
It’s okay to be awkward
Conversations about healthy relationships, one’s rights when it comes to one’s body and what is okay in a relationship and what is not may not be easy. Your dialog may not go as planned. You may find later that you haven’t said everything you had intended. Perhaps your words didn’t come out the right way.
Remind yourself that that’s okay. Just by starting a conversation with your college-bound son or daughter, you’ve opened a door—one that will hopefully lead to many future talks.
Know your resources
Colleges and universities are required to have prevention education programs about rape, acquaintance rape, domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault, and stalking. Find out about the resources on your student’s campus and him or her them to connect with those programs and get involved. Community resources can also help you begin a conversation and connect your young person with assistance should he or she need it. On the North Shore, HAWC (http://hawcdv.org/) and the YWCA North Shore Rape Crisis Center (http://ywcansrcc.org/) are excellent places to start.